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Change coaching starts with what you say.
Coaches and clients talk, and coaches and clients listen.
Of course. But about what? Easy: dreams,
wins, problems, bad days out, insights, breakthroughs,
dilemmas, shifts, complaints, commitments, emotions,
feelings, new ideas, coaching’s value, progress reports,
advice and feedback, decisions made.
A Dream. What do you want? Where do you want to
be or go? Who do you want to be? Who or what
should be around you? You and your coach need to
explore the answers to these questions so that you can
direct your daily, weekly, and monthly activities.
A Problem. This is much of what coaches expect
to do: listen to clients’ problems. And then move the
clients forward anyway. Share your problems and you divide
them, share your joys (or your wins), and you multiply them.
And there will always be a solution to the problems. But
only if you bring them out.
A Bad Day Out. Sometimes things have just gone
really badly between sessions. Just as observing your
own upset feelings will tend to diminish them, sharing them
with a trained observer can have almost magical effects.
Coaches are trained to listen, to sort
through what happened, give you honest feedback, and help
you to design a plan of action to get through the event,
reduce the pain of it, remedy what you can, and make a
recurrence less likely.
An Insight. You will often have these during
the coaching session itself. Insights are a key
currency of coaching. And you will also have insights
into your life, behavior, patterns, or others on your own.
An insight can lead to changes in behavior, real-world
results – even a breakthrough. Insights can become the
stuff of action plans too. Share an insight and
multiply its power. You might even get another insight
in return.
A Breakthrough. Share it. It’s a win. It
might have come from an insight. But share it so that you
can be sure to build on it, rather than take a step back.
As coaching legend Thomas Leonard once put it, “a
breakthrough without follow-through is a temporary high and
can be addictive. So, share the breakthrough, but be
ready to validate it with action or an accomplishment.”
A Win. Wins are a major purpose of coaching.
When you reach a goal or complete a task, do a good deed or
have something really exciting happen to you, you can often
more fully feel the excitement once it’s made real – by
sharing it. As in all coaching, this aspect of what
might be called “witnessing” is extremely powerful. It
solidifies the experience, and it can make the next win all
the more likely. And your coach would like to know.
Think about our job satisfaction!
A Dilemma. Do you remember The Clash song?
“Should I stay or should I go?” “If I stay it will be
trouble, if I go it will be double.” A coach can help
you sort through the alternatives and their implications.
Weigh them all against your values. Brainstorm elegant
solutions you may not have thought of yet. And finally
make a decision that’s usually better, and almost always one
that feels better and more secure because you have simply
explored all the options and feel less anxious about having
missed something. This alone is a priceless benefit in
the course of change.
A Shift. Think of a shift as a prolonged
breakthrough. A breakthrough that’s likely to take
root. You are growing constantly, and much of the time
an outsider like a coach can see subtle changes better than
you, but sometimes even you can notice a change simply
because it’s so large. The world just looks different.
What drove you before might be replaced by something that
makes more sense. Maybe you realize you’ll tolerate
less. (A friend of mine once returned from a vacation
shocked to find herself much less willing to take “crap”
from people.) You might change whom you spend time
with.
A shift will usually feel good, but yet another reason to
share such change is that change can also bring with it some
pain: others being upset over your growth, your own sadness
over what’s been let go, or anger and resentment, directed
at yourself and others, that you put up with something for
so long.
The Complaint. Got a real gripe? Go for
it. You’ll have a few minutes just to unload. Once you
can articulate your complaint in the form of a request, you
can expect the change coaching to begin.
A Commitment. After you dissect a problem,
break down action steps, finish a complaint, or just have a
good idea, it may be time to make a commitment. What will
you now do? What can you commit to doing? Your
coach will ask for this even if you don’t offer, but it’s
good to get in the habit for those times when the coach
isn’t around. If your commitment is fuzzy in any way, your
coach may question you about it further. You may even be
challenged to increase your commitment.
Your Emotions. Not to be confused with feelings
(which are important bodily sensations), your emotions are
the stuff of your values, your alignment with them, what you
really fear and really want. Fear is at the bottom of
every negative emotion, but if you don’t feel the fear, go
ahead and talk about the anger or resentment. Don’t
expect a pep talk; that’s for people who are uncomfortable
with emotions. Or you can talk about states of joy.
Just expect a safe place and an open space. You can
then be coached on whatever there is to coach you on.
Your Feelings. The way your body reacts to
events between sessions, as well as to the content of the
coaching session, is priceless information in your search.
Your feelings do not lie. Never. Articulate them
and grow better at noticing this important evidence of who
you are.
A New Idea. Two heads are better than one.
Get some unbiased feedback from someone who doesn’t have an
investment in your ideas (either for or against). Vet it,
refine it, or spot and, if possible, patch the holes in it.
Better now than when the stakes are higher, or after you’ve
already spent a great deal of time or money (or someone
else’s) on it. If your idea is so new that you fear
puncturing its fragility with feedback, tell your coach: he
or she will just listen and help you to develop the idea and
your thoughts about it.
The Value of Coaching. Now and then you may be
asked to summarize the value you’ve gotten from coaching.
Sometimes the value is there, but it may take a conversation
to help you both appreciate it. Or if the coach has
said or asked something useful, just now or months ago, say
so. Coaches are human too. Besides, feedback is
good training for them.
Project Progress Report. You may be working on
a new career, business plan, housecleaning project,
screenplay, or relationship. How are they coming
along? During your coaching call you are encouraged to
a brief status report of your current projects.
Ask for Advice and Feedback. To get the best of
your coach’s thinking, ask for it. We don’t always give
every piece of “advice” on our minds; it could be intrusive.
To be sure you’re ready, your coach may sometimes wait for
you to ask. (Sometimes your coach will ask you if it would
be okay to offer advice or feedback).
A Decision Made. If you make a significant
change or decision between sessions, keep your coach
informed. Change coaching requires feedback!
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