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My interest in becoming a
life balance coach first started when I had two kids
under the age of two, a time I now affectionately refer
to as My Personal Hell. I love my kids, they are great.
But the sleep deprivation, the new schedule that
involved waking up at 5:00 am so I could work out at the
gym at 6:00a.m., then getting home at 7:00 pm to cook
dinner – it was a bit trying. Not to mention the
bickering involving household chores with my husband.
I became insanely curious, how do other mothers do it? What could I be doing
differently? Was there a book that I could read? Much to my chagrin, the only books were written by women
complaining about their lot in life. While reassuring,
it was not helpful. Where was the 10-step plan I could
follow? I looked senselessly on the internet hoping
something would pop up. Oh great, a market research
report on how 65% of the women out there were suffering
like me. HELP!!!
I undertook my own odyssey on the topic of how to get
work/life balance. So, here are my top 3 pearls of
wisdom based on my personal journey.
Misconception 1: We can
perpetually achieve perfect balance
First of all, we have an incorrect image in our head of
a balanced life. Somehow, we have this image of someone
like the Dalai Lama, a calm guy in a state of peace,
contentment and utter bliss. Yes, it is possible to be
that way much of the time…. if you shave your head, live
on a mountain top, and are a monk. But for the rest of
us mortals, the relevant picture is of the clown in the
circus walking the tight rope ready to topple over at
any moment. Yes, there will be moments of balance, but
they are fleeting. As my spiritual teacher always says,
“the only thing permanent is impermanence”.
The error is in thinking that perfect balance is a state
that lasts forever. Linguistically we treat the phrase
“perfect balance” as if it is a noun. Really, a more
helpful way of thinking about the whole topic is to
imagine ourselves perfecting a constant process of
balancing. Think of all the above as verbs and as
processes. It’s not about perfect, it’s about
perfecting. It’s not about “balance”, it’s about
balancing.
Misconception 2: Work/Life
balance is all about making the right choice.
Yes, there are many simple dilemmas that we solve in our
lives. For example, should I get Thai or Mexican tonight
for dinner? This is an easy dilemma. You make a choice
and the presenting problem disappears. Our misconception
is that we believe that can choose one (say life) and
the other (work) goes away. No matter what you choose
you have to make compromises. Here’s a modern-day
example.
Your spouse calls and wants you to come home tonight
since you’ve been traveling a lot. You are up for a
promotion and your boss asks you to stay late and join
the rest of the team. In this case, no matter what you
choose you have to make trade-offs. It’s because
work-life balance is an irresolvable dilemma, which
means even when you make a choice, the issue still
exists. At least for me, understanding the nature of the
dilemma helped provide relief to me.
Misconception 3: No one has it
better than you.
I used to jealously look at folks and think… “Why is it
that she has her act together and I don’t?” Well, it
didn’t take many conversations to realize that no one
has it better than you. Everyone suffers in their own
way and everyone has problems balancing. Spending energy
wondering what you are doing wrong or why someone has it
better than you is just draining your limited energy.
Manufacturing all sorts of stories around why you have
it so bad, and how all else is to blame is yet another
drain of energy. All of us suffer, whether you are rich,
poor, powerful, week, beautiful, or ugly.
Each suffers in her own way, and each way is equally
valid. Humans were designed to suffer, which is why the
Buddha spent his whole life trying to develop a practice
to reduce human suffering. So if you are going to spend
energy, spend less energy running away from the reality
that suffering exists and a natural part of life , and
more into “relaxing into what is” .
So, how do you walk the tight rope of life so that you
can with ease and grace negotiate between work and life?
The first is realizing that work-life balance is a
skill, similar to walking a tightrope. It’s hard. You’ll
fall off and you’ll feel discouraged at times. And each
time you will get better. The first step is having a
better and more realistic expectation and mind set,
which is what the above points hit on. The last is to be
easy on yourself when you fall because you are human and
everyone is suffering just like you. So cheers to you on
embarking on the process of perfecting your ability to
balance!!!
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