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Relationship coaching for meeting people in the "real
world."
Meeting
People Online
Some people are uncomfortable about meeting friends or
romantic partners online, or claim they are.
I say they claim they are because some people seem to
believe they're required to say this. And their
reasons don't usually hold up. Safety, they say,
never-minding that you can meet anyone, from a business
colleague to a priest, who can turn out to be other than you
expect, or that you can (and should) choose to physically
meet new online acquaintances in busy public places.
Or there's the notion that meeting someone online is a
stigma, as if a lawyer hitting on his future-wife and
secretary, or writing your number on a napkin in a bar, is
the gold-standard of respectability. The fact is,
relationships are messy, and scary, and that's the real
reason most people don't try to meet others -- online or
off. If you've got reasons not to go online, then at
least have an answer to the question, What else are you
doing to meet people? And, as Dr. Phil likes to say, how's that working
for ya?
Another anecdotal fact: many of the people you meet
online are good, quality people. They are busy, not
desperate. They are often in a higher social
demographic than the average person (read: barfly).
They are more likely to have jobs (and to make more money).
They are better-educated. And in their profiles you
can see all of these facts upfront, unlike in any
medium with the possible exception of being set up by
friends.
To meet friends only, try
Friendster.
It's free.
Website of Note:
MeetFunPeople.org --
Applicable to friendships, business relationships, and romantic
interests. Learn flirting techniques, what you should know
about body language, conversational skills, and cognitive
skills. Consider asking Richard for some free online
counseling, or ask about his seminars or coaching on starting up
relationships.
For dating online, the trick is to conduct your search efficiently, and not to
expect the world. Those who do are invariably
disappointed with their early efforts. They use words
like "overwhelmed" because they have poor filters for
deciding whom to meet. Or words like "exhausted"
because they go into each meeting with unrealistic
expectations -- and the anxieties that go with them.
Instead, pace yourself. The first meeting should be
brief -- coffee, drinks, almost never dinner. You
should have an out that you've already discussed -- dinner
with another, a work meeting, etc. -- but which you can get
out of if things go really well. In your profile,
initial email, or follow-up conversations, manage your and
their expectations about the meeting and its aftermath:
you are looking for a friend, or to meet nice people; you
understand that true chemistry is rare, and so would view
even meeting an interesting person to add to your social
circle as a victory. I bet you last a lot longer in
online dating, and make a lot more friends.
Which leads us to some do's and don't's:
DO
1. Post a recent photo. Not an old one.
And not none at all. Online dating sites tell us that
people who post photos are 800% more likely to have
their profiles viewed. The photo-less profile is
usually a sign of the uncommitted. If you're so
beautiful that you want to avoid the deluge of emails, then
learn how to write a profile to filter many out -- and how to
answer and not answer the emails as appropriate. If
you're afraid that someone you know might see you, first, see
the above discussion. If you have a really good reason
not to be seen by someone who is likely to recognize you if
you post a photo, then at least post a photo of yourself from
an unrecognizable distance or angle. You'll at least
increase your click-through rate.
2. Write a meaty and original profile. To
begin, try to write more than a few sentences. If you insist
on writing something brief, then at least look at a few other
profiles of your competition -- does your description of
yourself offer any way to distinguish you or give a member of
the opposite sex any reason to contact you instead?
Avoid cliche! "I like to laugh" is neither revealing, a
unique trait, nor an original profile statement. So why
does it begin 60% (admittedly an estimate) of women's
profiles alone? (Men have their own cliches.) Instead, show us your humor and love
of life. The key, as in any good writing, is convincing
detail. As writers say, "Show, don't tell." If
you like to laugh, tell us about something you find funny, or
something you have done that was amusing. Borrow a
funny one-liner for your heading. (Avoid trying to tell
jokes). Similarly, if you like
culture, don't stop there; give us some favorite books or
movies or plays, or mention some artists. This is not
easy! But it is simple. If you're still at a
loss, well, that's what we're here for.
3. Have something to say. If you have trouble
thinking of anything to say at the moment of truth, work on
it advance. Generate some polished, true stories based
on your life. Get some books that talk about how to
break the ice.
DON'T
1. Be negative. Too many people think
their profile is a place to gripe about the opposite sex, or
to post a negative wish-list. "Here are all the things
that annoy me" or "Don't bother writing if . . ." You
can say all the same things in a positive manner, or at least
a more diplomatic manner, rather than coming off angry or
high-maintenance.
2. Post a photo with several people in it, in which
it's impossible to tell which person you are.
3. Post more than one photo of a cat, or your car (and
if a car must appear in your photo, men, let it appear with
you in the same shot, not alone).
Ready? Let's look at a few sites.
Go to
Online Dating Sites
Related Articles:
Relationship Advice
Relationship Advice
Coaching
Four-Part Article: "How to Communicate More Like a
Long-Necked Giraffe (and Less Like a Jackal)
1 -
Communication for Healthy Relationships
2 -
Relationship Tips
3 -
Relationship Problems
4 -
Relationship Help
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