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In short, getting past positions and into interests
requires creativity. Answering others’
needs at the same time as our own requires creativity.
For real relationship help, inquire into and
beneath the stated positions. Look at the
underlying interests. If someone says they must have
something, like custody of a child, is that the
real interest, or is the real underlying interest that they don’t want to be
seen as having lost a fight, or having given in, or that
they just
want negotiating leverage for more or less child
support?
Because if it’s any of the latter, there are many
different answers to those problems. You get
primary custody and the child support you wanted, but I
get lots of visitation and I also get to claim the child
tax credit every year. And so on.
Skillful Means: What Giraffes Do
Giraffes are the anti-jackal. They see things from a
greater height. They have perspective. And in conflicts
they have a few tricks.
1. Make observations of facts that are free
from judgment, interpretation, or evaluation (including
especially the presumed intent or motivation
of others, as explained above in the intentional
fallacy)
2. Identify Your Feelings and realize they
come from your own needs
3. Identify and Honor the Needs beneath the
thoughts, actions, and words of ourselves and others.
J ust as you shouldn’t confuse Fisher’s interests and
positions, don’t confuse CNVC’s strategies (“I want to
do X”) with needs.
4. Make Specific and Do-Able Requests Based on
Needs.
a. Not: “I want you to trust me” –
too vague, and not really a reasonably actionable
request
b. Don't
make a demand, either, as if the
person is the only one who can meet your needs. If you believe that, any request will become a demand. In its subtle form, we call this passive-aggressive
Steps 1 and 2 replace such gems as “You don’t think
about anyone else,” for example, when someone has
forgotten your birthday. As noted above, you don’t
know that, you could be wrong (how embarrassing it would
be to find out that a surprise party was planned for the
upcoming Friday), and it’s highly arguable. And
argue you will.
Stick to something that can’t be argued with:
the bare facts, and your feelings about them.
You’re not saying, “You’re an idiot,” and you’re not
saying, “I should have known,” either. (Just don’t
cheat and say, “I feel . . . that I should have
known you were an idiot”!) You’re sticking to what
you do know, to what is relatively hard to argue with.
End of discussion, many times. The exceptions
will include those instances when the other person
replies, “You shouldn’t feel that way because . . .”
But then you just return right back to the formula, 1,
2, 3, 4, and incorporate this latest misunderstanding.
Steps 3 and 4 acknowledge your feelings and your
needs, and make a request of the other person to help
answer those needs. All you can do is ask, but how
many of us ever do? We also have to acknowledge
our fear of asking for what we want, and to work at not
having any expectations about the outcome, for
expectations, as Buddha explained to us, are the root of
all suffering. But that is a different topic altogether.
Here’s a lovely summary of how you can act like a
giraffe: This happened, and I
feel, because I need, and would you be willing?
Can you see steps 1, 2, 3, and 4 all neatly nested in
that simple sentence?
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