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Among many others, both Roger Fisher, of the Harvard Negotiation Project
and “Getting to Yes” fame, and the CNVC have popularized
what one might call ways of thinking about conflicts.
Change the way you think and you change the way you
feel. As well as how you and others perceive
relationship problems and react to them.
As the CNVC might put it:
1. We share the same basic needs
2. Everything we do is an attempt to meet those same
basic needs (even if confusedly) and our feelings, as
well as the feelings of those who express anger at us, are not caused by
external events but by our own (unmet) needs
3. We can meet our needs in ways that don’t cost the
needs of others
4. Through honesty and empathy we can connect and create
shared understanding
I would summarize these in a still different way:
first, just because someone says something to you with a
lot of emotion, or even outright blame, does not mean
it’s about you. It’s rarely about you.
It’s probably actually about the other person, and their
particular issues. Why react as if it is about
you? Granted, you could be among the many people with chemical
addictions to feeling and expressing outrage.
Perverse as it might seem, unhappy reactions get such
people something.
Second, don’t fall victim to the intentional
fallacy. This very common phenomenon happens
when you look at someone’s actions, and then at the
effect of those actions on you, and assume, so very
dangerously, that the person must have intended
that effect on you. “I can’t believe you didn’t
email me back. It took you a whole week?
You’re so rude. You don’t care about me.”
That is, the person must not have emailed because
he didn’t care about you.
But the person may have had a totally different
reason for saying or doing what he said or did. In
some situations, he might have mis-spoken or been
unclear. He might even have no idea he affected
you the way he did. In the case of the non-emailer,
he might have been in Costa Rica for the last week.
In other words, sometimes your reactions, at
least, can be all about you, and only about you, and the
other person can’t be to blame for your chosen
interpretation. Though you will try.
Resolvable Interests Instead of Hard-and-Fast
Positions. In “Getting to Yes,” Fisher elaborates on
CNVC’s third point, that we can all get our needs met,
if we can learn to creatively ferret out the
interests behind our positions rather than
stubbornly insisting on our positions alone.
Position of Person A: I must have custody of Jimmy.
Position of Person B: I must have custody of Jimmy.
Result: Impasse.
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