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So the first of our relationship tips is to
bring your feelings into awareness. With
mindfulness you can see that storm coming from a long
way off. And since it’s your storm, after all, you
can choose to stop it, almost God-like.
Mindfulness addresses root causes. You learn to feel
all the signs of a storm. You start to understand what
it looks and feels like – perhaps a certain humidity in
the heart, or a tearing of the eyes, a stiffening of the
neck muscles or tightening of the stomach, a flickering
of an eyelid or tapping of a foot. (The left foot, always
the left foot.) And because you have warning, you can
take a deep breath and choose to react differently. This
takes practice. Everything is simple; nothing is easy.
Cognition
The second way to deal with communication problems is
a combination of cognitive self-therapy and some
skillful means. We do have a choice. We don’t have to
choose life-alienating jackal communications, such as:
1. Moralistic judgments
2. Denial of responsibility (coupled with a professed
lack of
choice)
3. Making comparisons (You’re better; I’m better)
4. Who deserves what
5. Demands – implied threats, manipulation, guilt
When the jackal has its ears turned out, as CNVC puts
it, you sound like this:
You are . . .
You think . . .
. . . idiot . . .
This is the aggressive
approach. “You’re so thoughtless.” “You
don’t care about me.” “All you ever think about is
yourself.”
Really, how could you truly
know any of these things? You don’t read minds and
hearts, we know that much. And yet you are
purporting to, aren’t you? So there is an ethical
dimension to such assertions during relationship issues
as well as the practical one of simply not having the
equipment to know what you are claiming to know.
And there’s another practical one: you can
argue for hours about what someone else is or isn’t,
what they did or didn’t mean or feel. Better to
stick to something that cannot be argued with.
What is it? You’ll find it near the end of this
article on relationship rescue.
Note that when the jackal’s ears are turned inward,
there is no improvement, just a different object of
abuse:
You’re right . . .
I should have known . . .
I . . .
If only . . .
Sure. It’s all your fault. Breathe that in and let it
do what it will to your internal organs. Feel your
stress level rise. Watch people trample your boundaries. Ouch.
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1 -
Communication for Healthy Relationships
2 - Relationship Tips
3 - Relationship
Problems
4 - Relationship
Help
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