Dysfunctional families come in all shapes, sizes and mixtures. It really doesn’t matter whether you are divorced or single parent or blended family, one of the results of being raised in a dysfunctional family is often an underlying lack of confidence, or lack of ability to feel good about yourself. Despite high accomplishment in career or some other area of life, many coaching clients find Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) can make a huge difference in raising self-esteem and confidence. Clients push through old barriers to personal and professional success.
Though coaching is not therapy, and therapy is a very important aspect of healing from issues of dysfunctional families, coaching is the avenue that assists people in getting out of the issues. With coaching clients have the support to rise above what stopped them in the past.
Many very accomplished people have benefited from coaching to raise confidence and self-esteem, as well as improve their productivity and fulfillment in many areas of life. Despite high achievement, and due to the symdromes some suffer due dysfunctional family history, people you would think “have it all together” may actually be overcompensating for feeling inadequate on the inside. In fact they minimize their achievements — don’t see them as important or any “big deal,” despite the fact that the respect, recognition and admiration of others continues to come their way.
Let’s look at some of the common characteristics of dysfunctional families are many, and what is written here (below) is by no means a thorough list, but it is a significant set of challenges often experienced.
#1 – Addiction of some kind (most often alcohol or drugs, but workaholism, food addiction and obesity, even gambling, over-the-top sexual activity and shopping into bankruptcy are included here)
#2 – Control of a specific family member exerted on others in the family – to the point of being unreasonable, sometimes even harmful, stunting and bordering on family members feeling like they are captive.
#3 – Unpredictability and Fear – often there is unpredictable financial matters, emotional blow ups and the common feeling that when things are good, it’s only a matter of time before the proverbial “other shoe drops” and Daddy gets drunk again.
#4 – Conflict – while many families experience conflict, in dysfunctional families conflict seems almost constant and heated. There may be an ongoing sense of resentment that seems to pervade relationships in a dysfunctional family, and in some cases anger and resentment that cannot be expressed openly for fear of ruffling feathers may well be hidden in passive-aggressive types of behavior.
#5 – Abuse may show itself as either physical or emotional (put downs, name calling, criticism) or it may be both. Worse still is emotional abuse during the physical abuse.
#6 – Perfectionism bespeaks of expectations that are not realistic and often children in dysfunctional families may be A+++ students and “perfect little angels” precisely because they feel they need to be perfect to get their parents to love them.
#7 – Poor Communication – you would think it obvious from all of the above characteristics, and communication within dysfunctional families is often strained, or it may not even exist. Issues (particularly those of abuse, disrespect, terrible arguments never resolved, and neglect) are often swept under the rug.
#8 – Poor personal boundaries. Often clients will complain how they feel as though they are “people pleasers” and they don’t want to “make waves.” Typically, because of so much conflict growing up in the family, they avoid conflict as adults and they seem to avoid it by continually putting their needs and opinions last. This syndrome (an aspect of codependency) is insidious and most suffer from extreme resentments because they never really stand up for themselves.
So what is NLP? How can NLP help you make changes?
NLP is a method, set of techniques, or personal development system first developed in the early 1970s by psychologist Richard Bandler and linquist John Grinder in association with Gregory Bateson (British anthropologist and social scientist).
NLP uses a toolbox of strategies, axioms and beliefs about human communication, perception and subjective experience. The core principle is that an individual’s thoughts, gestures and words interact to create their perception of the world. By changing their outlook, using a variety of techniques, a person can improve their attitudes and actions.
NLP teaches that a person can develop successful habits by amplifying helpful behaviors and diminishing negative ones. Positive change can come when one carefully reproduces the behaviors and beliefs of successful people (called ‘modeling’). It also states that all human beings have all the resources necessary for success within themselves.
NLP techniques may be used in group trainings, seminars, or individual consultations. Practitioners deal with personal issues like framing negative beliefs, dealing with stage fright and simple phobias or depression. Adherents may take up NLP as a skill set for coaching, consulting, or counseling. Trainers may mix NLP techniques with ideas about motivational techniques, adult learning, management, and sales training.
As a coach trained in NLP I have seen some miraculous transformations within my clients. Whatever your goals – whether personal or professional – if the syndrome(s) from being raised in a dysfunctional family is stopping you from your achievements, destroying your relationships and holding you back from living all that you want to live, it’s time to break the barriers and push past the past.
Here is a tremendous resource
If you live in Tampa Bay, here is a terrific resource for you if you have a loved one trapped in an addiction: http://www.tampabayalanon.org/. Anywhere else in the Country you can find Al-Anon groups and organizations by simply searching on the internet for your location.
Or contact me for a free consultation through www.Ferocecoaching.com
To Your Success,
Rev. Dr. Christina Winsey
Coach, Author, Speaker, Board Eligible Diplomate of the American College of Addictionology and Compulsive Disorders.